Withdrawal from a cult

Taken from http://www.culthelp.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=55&Itemid=7

Not exactly the same, albeit the born again aspect, but a very similar process.


The control in spiritually abusive systems is so strong that people report they have been affected for years afterwards. It is for this reason that the WITHDRAWL STAGES should be well understood by everyone.

STAGE ONE:
This often begins almost immediately after conversion. The mind and will may be completely taken over by the logic presented by the cult. However, the gut feeling, emotions, or conscience often indicates that something is not quite right.

STAGE TWO:
This doubt causes a feeling of guilt which the person attempts to stuff and deny. The guilt drives him or her to deeper resolve to "do right" or submit and to ignore any information that conflicts with the cults’ message. However, the conscience continues to exert itself causing the person to question things. Most people don’t know what to question. They may question the "standards", the existence of God or the truth of the scripture. They rarely have enough wisdom to question the history or the doctrine of the group.

STAGE THREE:
The person will give lip service to the group but in reality often behaves or does things that are against the rules. This causes even more guilt and more resolve to "get right."

STAGE FOUR:
If the person is observant and alert, he or she may notice some discrepancies between what the scripture says and what is done within the group. Or he may hear of a scandal or problem that bothers him. This may worry some people but many others just think, "Oh, well, the people aren’t perfect but the organisation or church is perfect." Or "Oh well, what can I do?" or "Oh well, God will take care of it."

STAGE FIVE:
The person may hear of the history of the church and begin to wonder why he was lied to regarding the founder of the group. An inquisitive person may begin an investigation. At this point, the person usually becomes very quiet and fearful about letting others know of his questions. By this time he has found out that it is socially unacceptable to voice any doubts.

STAGE SIX:
The denial stage in which the person decides to ignore all the warning signs. They are actually afraid of or angry at anyone who has information that exposes the deceit of the workers. Some people NEVER get past this stage. They are hostile towards any information that spotlights the deceit and errors of the group.

STAGE SEVEN:
The "Don’t know what to think" stage. MANY people get stuck here. They will try to figure things out on their own. They are suspicious of everyone. They don’t trust their friends or family and they don’t trust themselves. They don’t trust traditional Christianity. They don’t trust the information that exposes the group. They may not trust the scripture and might try to find reasons to believe the Bible wasn’t translated correctly. This stage is very critical. The stress of it can cause illness, anxiety, nightmares, emotional problems, marital problems, divorce, destructive accidents because of so much mental preoccupation, suicide, hostility and anger. Some report a problem with nausea, clenched teeth or other outward signs of tension. This stage is extremely painful and frightening. Usually the longer a person or his family has been in the group, the more painful it is.
At this stage, some people try to reason with the leaders. They will either arrange for visits or write long agonizing letters. Some hope that they can change the system or get some to agree with them. They are AMAZED at the total inability of leaders to hear what they are saying. However, some will agree with their arguments, pat them on the head and try to smooth their ruffled feelings.

STAGE EIGHT:
The state in which a decision is made to leave the group. The person may go in several directions. They may become angry at God, or become an agnostic or atheist. They may try to start their own spiritual quest or church in the home. They may reach out to secular psychology for relief. Or, they may hook into another cult. They may decide to just let the spiritual part of their life hang in mid-air for awhile. Some people get stuck in a yo-yo syndrome: they will leave the church, go back to the church, leave, go back, leave and go back. They rarely ever figure out what the church believes or even what they believe. Or, they may become born again as a result of doing some intense praying, in-depth study and reaching out to normal Christian information. This stage is extremely crucial. If a married couple doesn’t agree or reach this stage together it can destroy their marriage.
Almost total rejection from the group and professing family occurs if the person announces his new allegiance to Christ instead of to the group system.

STAGE NINE:
The state in which the old personality disintegrates and a new one is formed. The person will get rid of old clothes, old hairstyles, old possessions. Some people experience a lot of anxiety in adjusting to a new identity because their whole self concept was so closely tied to the group attitude towards themselves. New interests, charitable activities and hobbies are found. Bible study and Bible classes become the new excitement if one has been born again. The person rejoices at every new day and has a sense of peace. The world looks beautiful, people seem wonderful, nature seems to glow with the power and beauty of God. If a satisfactory church is found the person finds a great deal of happiness.

STAGE TEN:
The person is in constant amazement at the difference between the old life and the new life. The person is able to pity those who are still in the old group and will eventually be able to laugh about his old experiences. The person will often want to reach out to others whom he has known while in the group. He feels a strong need to talk about the experience in order to understand the strong emotions and confusion he felt while inside the group. Talking to other ex-professing people seems to be the best therapy for those going through this process. Writing down what one has heard, experience and believes also helps clarify one’s thoughts.
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For the young people

I was walking around Chinatown today, thinking how this all happened. This BT thing. I was thinking what I was meant to learn by this experience, and what it would ultimately mean to me 10 years down the line when I am in a totally different space.

I'm almost thirty, actually my birthday is on Wednesday. I am happy, yes, to be thirty. I am happy that I have my whole life ahead of me. I started thinking about the people I met along the way, other BT's, who have effectively ruined their life.

I thought about a American girl I knew who. at 22, got married to a 38 year old Russian man in Chabad. She has about 9 kids now, and is in extreme therapy for depression and anxiety.

Or a fourty five year old man who is still shidduch dating, yet secretly eats McDonalds and is miserable.

One of the points of this blog, I guess, is to share my story. I understand that their are many, many people who have chosen Orthodox Judaism, and are very happy. Great.

But there are many people who are trapped, who innocently went to a Shabbat dinner or a trip to Israel, and watched as their life spiraled out of control.

One of the most important thing, is that I want young people to understand that they will never get this time back. My twenties are over. I will never be 23 again, or 25, or 28. All those years are gone. Thankfully, I have no children and my ex husband is also reconsidering his commitment to OJ, but the deeper you get pulled in, the harder it is to leave.

I would say to these young 20 year olds on college campuses, really think about your motivation. If you feel your life is meaningless, you have to handle that issue instead of covering it up with OJ. Why is your life meaningless? Are you spending to much time at bars and clubs? Are you meeting shallow frat boys? Yes, OJ seems to offer something greater, something holier, something with meaning.

But so can getting involved in activities at your campus that are not that meaningless. The newspaper, track, politics. The entire secular world, as opposed to what OJ would present, is not immoral and sexually corrupt.

Know what you are getting into. As a women, you will not learn torah except for practical law and feel good stories. That will stop after your outreach program, because the organizers know that they must treat women as intellectual beings atleast in the beginning or no one will show up. There will be EXTREME pressure to get married and have children, and not doing such will be seen as a defect and will be psychologically damaging. Your independance will be drained from you, as well as your independant thought.

I have seen girls, bright, beautiful, interesting, worldly, who after several years of BTness, just want to get married, get married, get married. They forget who they are, and will almost marry anyone who wants them. They live in basement apartments at 35, not buying furniture and eating off plastic utensils, waiting to get married get married get married.

Be educated, Be skeptical. By all means, go to these programs. Learn what Shavuos is, it is your birthright after all.

But make your own decisions. Value yourself. Most of all, be careful.

Intro

I decided to start this blog to open a real discussion in regards to the realities for the BT or ex BT. There is much raging on the internet in regards to this issue, yet many aspects are left unsaid or understated.

I am by far a scholar. I will not be able to provide halachic arguments to back up anything, and that is not what this blog is really about.

Its about getting sucked into Aish or Chabad, distancing yourself from your friends, your life, your support system, and getting nothing but a failed dream.

I was smart to walk away, but it took all my strength and rational thinking to do so. I chose to live in the real world, as opposed to making my world smaller and smaller by the day.

Life is not easy. Jobs. Dating. Boyfriends. Car insurance. Lonliness. Real life, real problems.

But it sure as shit beats being a baal teshuva for a second.